Purr Kitty, Purr

Immersion

2006-10-23T01:07:00.000-07:00

Immersion studio has invaded my existence. Architecture is a foreign language, and I speak it on my cell phone pretentiously when other people are around. I carry an X-ACTO in my purse and am probably proficient enough to use it as a nail trimmer. I dream in elevation and section. I smell like cardboard. And chipboard. And museum board. I talk about southern glazing like she's my roommate and I brush my teeth while she's in the shower. I use the word "notion" at least twice a day.

But even with all this architecture knowledge, I find myself in uncharted territory. Like the topography lines on this site model of Clifton, I proceed beyond the borders with no end in sight. Only, unlike topography lines, I am neither corrugated nor 1/8" thick.

So far this year, I've built dozens of libraries that only crickets could enjoy. I tried to pitch one of my ideas to this grasshopper, but he only wanted to play the violin and have fun while his ant friend stored up food for winter. I have a feeling that grasshopper is already regretting his choice.

I had a tiny break from DAAP when Nathan James, the sharpest cheese in all of Rancho Cucamonga, came to spend the night with me. We attended two paternal family reunions. At the Miller family reunion, Nathan got a little carried away with the orange drink and needed to blow off some steam. Legend has it, the top of his head unhinged like a mighty lid and an angry kitten tossed a thimble-full of promise into the wind.

Later, Emma captured this kitten roaming the streets near Skyline. It didn't want to play hopskotch and braid hair, but was quickly won over with the promise of pie.

Don't You Hate Cancer!

2006-05-03T08:55:00.000-07:00

Of course, DAAP Studio 004 had to trump the rest of the freshman architecture studios in yet another endeavor. No, we didn't make a bust of Zaha Hadid out of bundt cake - although, it would be a great idea for a conversation piece - we raised more money for the American Cancer Society than the rest. In fact, we raised more money for cancer research than 75+ other student organizations and groups on campus.

Perhaps our interesting fundraiser helped inflate that total. Sharpie Our Faces for Cancer was a huge fundraising success, doubling our profits from an impromptu bake sale in half the time. I suppose it helped that you could write on attractive women - I mean, who wouldn't go to a party advertised on their own shoulder. Plus, Emma and I looked ravishing with mustaches. It's such a shame mine was only transient. A likewise shame that when I washed it off it left a black film that appeared to be a real mustache.

Dressing as the Wizard of Oz seemed to be an excellent idea, mostly because Alice had been dying to wear her laundry basket for months, but also because the event's theme was TV shows and movies. We managed to think of a different character for each of the 19 team members. Sure, we had a rainbow, a tornado, and a personified yellow brick road, but we had to think of some obscurities as the tree throwing apples was already spoken for.

I, of course, was the field of poppies. It was only fitting, as I am fragrant and orange most days of the week. Dylan was naturally the lion, as he possesses golden flowing locks that even Rapunzel would kill for. (Little known fact, Rapunzel wore a cheap weave she purchased at the Hard Ta Knock Shop, and insider photos show she wasn't even blonde.)

Our resident evil, Wicked Witch of the West, Megan probably wins for most convincing costume. She even painted her neck green. That's dedication, especially because she promptly removed it to go to Le Miserables.

Our not quite so evil, Wicked Witch of the East, Emma probably wins for best corrugated cardboard model of the night. And also cutest panties. (Little known fact, the Wicked Witch of the East wore hot green and electric blue bloomers over her tights, at least before that wench Dorothy stole them, along with her shoes. It's a wonder she didn't rob her of her dignity as well. Oh wait...)

And of course we can't forget the most important part of Relay for Life. The cancer! We walked around a track for 18 hours because cancer never sleeps (just like DAAPers). I walked through the night and during the luminaria ceremony, a more solemn event. Around the track candles were lit in memory and honor of those with cancer. I managed to find all the luminarias for those whom I knew and heard most of their names during the ceremony as I walked past.

The next morning we were all frozen and exhausted. However, we stayed long enough to hear that UC raised over $76,000 for the American Cancer Society and that our team came in third place of the 80 teams in the event, raising over $2800 dollars for cancer research. We won some sweet maracas and puddy balls in true Chuckie Cheese style. Plus, we were quite proud that we tied for 1st in the costume competition with Richard Simmons and Friends.

So was it worth the 29.5 service hours and a few gray hairs? Well I'll say it was more fun than directing people to the restrooms and holding the doors in Lindner Hall. Seriously, holding the doors wasn't as much fun as you'd all think. And I will also say that I can't wait until next year... powdered wigs, my dear Victorian friends?

The Winter of Our Discontent

2005-12-28T20:47:00.000-08:00

Christmas is a time of joy. A time for loving. For family. For cliche.

That is not my family. We would rather get sucked to death by infants than partake in cliches.

That's why we celebrate XXXmas. The extra Xs are there because it's so extreme. And these photos really show how extremely discontent everyone was.

We are all so discontent with this elven child, that even his mother is preparing to sacrifice him. It turns out he's already too large for Santa's workshop, and he only made four XBOX 360s all season, hence the Christmas shortage. Yes, he's cute, and yes, he's fuzzy, but a contributing member of society? I think not.

If you didn't get what you wanted for Christmas, you can understand this discontentment. Sure, she got more presents than all the other children, and she'll get a free car when she turns 16, but where is that Strawberry Shortcake Playset? Not under her tree.

The discontentment of aging. I mean, look at her. Yes, she has $100, but she's wearing a babushka and has an eye that squints in 80% of her pictures. Yes, she's classy and dignified, but desirable? Methinks no.

Ugh, and she's knitting! I guess she better work on those handicrafts. Her looks aren't going to be giving her much hope. We'll need at least four goats and a fattened calf for her dowry if she keeps this up.

Alas, XXXmas is a time for discontentment, but 2006 quickly approaches. A new year: a new chance. Our resolutions: we don't have any. After all, that's far too cliche.

Photos of the Year

2005-12-09T07:50:00.000-08:00

Those who know me well know that I am a picture wench. I take pictures of everything and anything. At the holiday party, I catch you mid-chew. At the pool, I capture you with a half-wedgie. At Niagara Falls, I photograph you with your shorts puckering into your rear. I am ruthless with that camera.

To celebrate my love of candid snaps and posed pictures, I've made myself a grading scale, awarding points in categories such as aesthetics, sauciness, and ham sandwich. I've subtracted points for predictability and the hell of it. I hope you enjoy my photography snack.

"Pomp and Baggy Pants"
Sister Berneta and her rollerskating accordion playing comes in 10th place. She scored especially high on sauciness, but was just too predictable. A Sister of Notre Dame with carnival style. It has been done.

"Hit Me with Your Balls"
The I-75 Snowball Frenzy of 2005 slides into 9th. As you can see, the intensity of a highway snowball fight is just through the roof, as expressed in the contorted anger of Matt's face. Extra points for Colleen, who braved the storm without working windshield wipers.

"Deep Throat"
The Bitchin' in the Kitchen contest of 2005 bounces to 8th. Michael could not help but gag on the twizzler in his trachea. +5 for eye glistening.

"Nati Hati"
Nathan's New Year Night comes in at 7th. His shirt gave him the power and the ability to drink like Bear's grandma with a cooler of Slovenian Highballs. Visiting us that night was Uncle Carlo, everyone's favorite uncle. The Italian wine uncle.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Eating"
The first night clubbing on the Caribbean cruise sails to 6th. Spies and I were so poised to devour those tender statuesque creatures. -5 for my sweaty head.

"Everyone Loves a Sherpa"
Sherpa Socked Siblings climb to 5th. The sauciness of this photo was off the charts into ridiculous land. Ridiculous. Like Angelina Jolie in a burlap sac.

"Blowtorch Blitzkrieg"
This truly Hess-like image burns its way to 4th. How many times do you get to see an easy chair go down in a blaze of glory? It's what everyone dreams but never gets a chance to do. +10 for no Life Flight.

"Snow Sable"
Sable Louise rolls into 3rd with this sensual shot. She just couldn't help but get her face into all that white. She also posed quite lovely and told me that her motivation for the shot was hot porkchops.

"Reverse Crane Blowfish"
Dancing into 2nd is this delightful Graduation Day Ditty. An experiment in interpretive dance techniques, this photo is the thesis to Nathan's Masters in Supply Chain Management. If you can imagine Adam Smith's First Treatise, we're pretty much that.

"Freeze Us with Jesus"
Dan Fong powers his way to 1st with his favorite freeze on the Stanford campus. I don't even care that he isn't wearing shoes. I'm not even mad. He's just that good.

Fuego!

2005-11-21T15:52:00.000-08:00

Halloween is a magical time of year. Small children go to stranger's homes for free treats and Treacle Tarts, and bigger kids punch them in the stomachs and ride off on their HUFFY's like bats out of hell. In Cincinnati, there is no candy, only war. And by war, I mean parties and free burritos for kiddies in foil hats.

I dressed as a campfire for Halloween. The idea was really inspired when the plastic wrap for my ice sculpture costume made me look more Julia Child and less Julia Roberts. I sewed some sticks to my yellow shorts and set the night - and my chest - ablaze with lip liner. Good thing it was 30 degrees outside, as my costume gave me the same symptoms as menopause. Alice went ahead and beat me with her gradebook whenever I got bitchy or started nagging about the noise. She also punched everyone who compared her to Lucy Liu on the basis that they don't know what Lucy Liu looks like but she's the only Asian woman they've ever seen.

Gaines Solomon dressed as Eeyore by using duct tape on his roommate's hat. Congrats Gaines, you win the second place award for "Oh, he dressed up?" Other such costumes winning the award are "college student," "whore," and "convict." The first place winner is in the background of the picture below.

Guess which Bible character Anna went as! If you guessed Holofernes, you're wrong. Anna's head is still attached. She tried to go as Jerubaal, hoarder of nutrients, but I rolled her down the stairs in a pickle barrel. That's family pride for you.

Phil Spangler is Napoleon Dynamite. He's also Alice's RA, but that was okay, because I went out with Ms. Zhang, everyone's favorite Calculus Teacher, Violin Instructor, and Slanty-Eyed Rice Cooker. Her Honda Civic even has the little trinket that dangles from the mirror. She gets her Sander Stir Crazy with rice instead of chow mein.

The Studio 004 Sudsations would like to say, "Snaps for no fatties."

DAAP Bowling

2005-11-01T15:14:00.000-08:00

Every Wednesday, we slip into our cigarette-scented baseball tees -- or at least I do because I can't bring myself to do laundry every week -- and bounce on down to Madison Bowl for a little Casual Sex Bowling. So why are we the "Casual Sex Bowlers?" It all started with the many inuendos of bowling and blossomed into a brilliant series of mottos and giggles. So without further verbal ineptness, I introduce the team:

Jeremy "So What for School" Stroebel, the Slacker of Studio 4 enjoys bringing homework to bowling and then staring at it and wishing it would magically finish itself. So far, no success. His T-shirt message: "Our balls go all over the place." Tippu "Take Me Home Tonight" Sashi is our team's shining star, only because Jeremy is engaged in staring at his laptop and Big Tip, as we affectionately call him, greases his body in Vaseline for that stellar glow. Tip's T-shirt: "Just grip and roll." Mike Tyznik, Sir Tynski the Terrible as I say, has the best laugh in all the land. If you can imagine candy and unicorns wrapped up in a fleece blanket of love, that's the melody of Mike. Mike's T-shirt: "We curve a little to the left."

Alice "Huh?" Zhang is the secret ninja of our team. Sporting an average equivalent to mine, she tends to bowl slowly with a six-pound ball and still keep the Assistant Pinmonkey overseers working overtime. I love my Alice, and my Lollis, but not my Alison Lollis... Alice's Shirt: "We like to knock 'em horizontal."

And me, the instigator of chants and high kicks, I go by Weaver and usually climax in the second game. My bowling stamina is not as great as that of my female counterpart. My Shirt quips: "We bring it to you hard and fast."

Together, we are an awesome team, bringing our A-games and limp wristed throwing style to our competition, such as Suburban Plastics featuring Captain Ron, the Chach Monkeys, Second String, Mies Van der Rollers, and Pleasantly Sexual. Sure, we won't win the tournament, but we did manage to win one beer frame. Hooray for us!

Photoshop: It's What's DAAP'ning

2005-10-11T20:24:00.000-07:00

DAAP is a mystical land where children make stencils, and the only thing more plentiful than foam core and finely crafted boxes is people in search of a cognitive map. I spend great deal of time in Studio 4, eating Cheerios and spinning in my draft chair. When I actually do work, I have to listen to Coolio's "Gangster's Paradise" just to get me in the mood. In fact, old crappy rap is a leitmotif of Studio 4. We DAAP rap.

Another wonderful thing about studio is that it gives me an excuse to be with my Powerbook. With the 17" screen, it could just possibly be my replacement for genuine friendship and conversation. I have iChat and Facebook, so screw the fact that Dylan sits two feet behind me. We share something more important than physical location, we're both on wireless Powerbooks. That's like love right there.

Something not so lovely in my life: photoshop. I have met the enemy, and it has a magnetic lasso and a splicing tool. All I have is shower caddy that doesn't hold both my shampoo and conditioner at one time and roommates who watch Tyra Banks. I actually manage to do my projects to the best of my ability and am looking forward to modernizing Renoir's "Two Little Circus Girls." I was thinking they could be trick or treating as a butterfly and a whore.

This is a grayscale summer project I managed to pump out for April Mann, A. Mann, who teaches my boring computer lecture. I actually drew this picture based on Dan Fong windsurfing. You guys know my body is not that fit and trim.

Ah, the food project. I ate some Mexican food with Kevin McNally, and we wrote a 6-8 page paper on dining experience. And we made a board. It had a giant construction paper chili on it. That was pretty much the high point. That and trying to ask the Mexican owner questions about his restaurant. I needed Spanish Nate to help me out. Or Erin, who is actually good.

I really wanted to show you how I juxtaposed dead, bloody, dangling cows with some fresh organically grown beets for my magazine project, but alas, the image wouldn't upload. Maybe Blogger is trying to tell me something. Or maybe that was PETA.

Team Quicksilver: Play with Us and We'll Make You Crazy

2005-09-21T08:22:00.000-07:00

Camp Higher Ground was, ironically, at a relatively low elevation, but all that extra gravity just made it more enjoyable. Yes, the gravity and the people. We played Ultimate Frisbee, sang the fight song until we couldn't spell B-E-A-R-C-A-T anymore, ate toasted marshmallows, and proved to everyone that Team Quicksilver dominated in creative talents.

Team Quicksilver was the Alpha-Team of Nerd Camp. We won the fight song competition, we had the funniest skit, and we also pushed some kids down the stairs because we didn't like the cut of their jibs. We're kind of a big deal.

This is Drew and I, counterparts in the Team Quicksilver skit. I played Jocelyn's "inner calculus" and Drew played Jocelyn's "inner frat boy." You can imagine the chuckles as I answer his chants of "Toga, Toga, Toga, Toga..." with "Sigma, Sigma, Sigms, SUMS!" Drew really helped remind us that all we need is a tube and funnel. Max also pulled out the great AquaTeens, "You humans with your puny 3 dimensions... we have 5... thousand..." I would really like to acknowledge the whole team, but this is a blog, come on.

This is Jocelyn, my good friend from first floor Turner. Yea, that picture was taken in my suite area, but I met her at Nerd Camp. Jocelyn enjoys bruising easily and being "a man with breasts, a vagina, and a nice ass." Her room is the one you hang out in if you want poor cell phone reception, goldfish crackers, and cholera.

This is Jeremy, and he lives on the fifth floor. Go to his room if you want to watch three guys play Warcraft nonstop for several hours, or you can go there to get lied to about who knows what about computers. Those damn nerds tried to tell me they knew nothing about computers, but I knew the truth. I know they've only left the room to eat twice during Welcome Week.

Anna, on the far right, is my DAAP pal, and a fellow ENTJ. Basically, ENTJs are the most ridiculous people in the Honors Program. That's enough said. I stalk Anna and follow her to the Rec Center on a daily basis, where I proceed to exercise next to her while staring at her as she pretends not to notice. The other girls are her roommates from Daniels, Jenny, and the two Allisons.

Today is my first day of class. Let's see how it goes.

Moving on Down

2005-09-18T09:26:00.001-07:00

Well "Hi-Ho" and all that jazz, it's off to UC I go! I packed my itty bitty car late in the night with all the pieces of joy I need for a successful college experience. My mom did not give me a canned ham; although, she assured me that I am still loved and chose the jar of peanut butter as a parting gift. Jerubaal, keeper of nutrients, maintained her good title.

Sable Louise, Wonder Pup and Best Friend Extraordinaire, was certain it was time to take a trip, so she jumped into the backseat of my car. Could she sit upright without hitting her delicate head on the car ceiling? No. Did she care? No. She was just damn sure she didn't want to get left behind. Mom tricked her out of the car by offering her a walk. Hopefully she wasn't upset when she found they were only going to the mailbox and back.

Following a bit of undocumented unpacking, I went to Max and Erma's with "The Fam" -- minus Spanish Nate, who was with us only in spirit and the vague musk which hung in the air -- for some grub. The testosterone level was restored to family equilibrium by Mike, Erin's new boyfriend, the only person I know who was deported from Canada. We also had some sweet-warm-gooey chocolate chip cookies, which are on my mind often as I eat mainly cereal bars.

Erin and Mike are quite a pair, and Mike is obviously Weaver-friendly, as he demonstrates with his pirate squint which matches Erin's. That, and he made a giant squirrel out of pegboard.

Well, that's all for now, but I will soon catalogue my nerd camp photos and represent for Team Quiksilver.

Meh, it'll grow back...

2005-09-06T11:34:00.000-07:00

This morning, I was thinking about my haircut today, and I was feeling radical. I just knew it would be drastic, so I took a before picture. That way, I could say, "Remember when I had hair?" and people wouldn't be able to pretend I didn't.

So I went in and told the lady I was thinking about a little bit of Locks of Love action, and she understood. I figured it was like 36 months of community service, because it isn't easy to grow all that hair. So she put it in a ponytail and chopped it off. 11" of pure protein and Pantene bliss.

After the haircut, she had the nerve to give it back to me. I briefly thought about using it as a tail, but decided it was neither durable nor easily fastened. Plus, I wanted all those service hours.

And then I got home and realized what I'd done. I was a little horrified and worried that I would perish if this winter was unseasonably cold. And maybe a bird might nest on my head.

But then I saw my best friend Sable, and she told me it was beautiful. I trust her because she's usually really into hot trends. She also let me know how attracted she was to my new hairstyle by licking my face and putting her paws all over my white shirt. I guess if she's happy with it, I can't complain.

Summer Smells of Sweet Alliteration

2005-09-04T20:43:00.000-07:00

Goodbyes Generate General Gestures of Gratitude

High school is toast, burnt toast, and we're taking off at a run, but not literally because going to class is a casual exercise, not like running. We said "Adios!" to Miss Ashleigh Spies and sent her to Dayton with peanut butter, Frizza Pizza, and a giant inflatable banana. I had to blink to hide the flood of tears created from losing my Piesers and also my Frizza Pizza.

Toggery Takes Tons of Treacles

And by treacles, I mean cash. In the Toggery Shop, I saw a velvet paisley blouse for $1,428. We walked around and realized first that we are not super rich, and second, that we don't even know how to sail.

Cape Cod is Clearly for Curmudgeons

It was a lovely vacation, but we saw so many old folks and quaint places that I have deduced it is a vacation for the gray wave. Sherpa Socks!

Picking Pretty Peaches Pays with Passion

I went to California with Daniel J, my amazing Asian. in case you've never been, California is like the Midwest, but with mountains, beaches, thin people, Asians, and no humidity. I went backpacking through some awesome terrain and got some monstrous blisters. I also visited such great tourist spots as the "gelateria" and "San Francisco." I went surfing for the first time and mastered a blue longboard without getting eaten by a shark; although I did run into this older gentleman who was angry and ravenous, much like a shark. I give California a S+ for great strawberry picking and my stamp of starfish approval. Starfish is a good friend of mine who eats brains.

Tantalizing Twizzlers 'Tween Two Tramps

Michael and I are obviously eating a Twizzler in the Lady and the Tramp fashion. He is now a honey chile down in 'lanta. I miss him, as he was my brother of another mother.

Frisky Family's Fall's Frolic

Nathan and I went to Canada, the Land of 25 Goats, and were sad to find that all the goats were named "Clarence" and none were named "Hector." We then counted the number of unicorns that were slain by a band of misfits and wrote to the enchantress of dagwood sandwiches to clean up the mess.

Chipmunk on Narcotics! Yeah baby!

2005-08-26T23:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my wisdom teeth were removed. Why? Because I was, perhaps, too wise to need them? Because I wasn't going to need to chew anything in the back anyway? Or am I behind in the little game called evolution? After all, why would I have teeth coming in if there wasn't room for them. Are wisdom teeth like that friend who doesn't want to sleep on the floor, who just wants to cram into the soft comfortable bed and steal the blankets and sweet sweet warmth from my grasp, as I am the Holder of Warmth Nuggets? And what if they would have arrived without interruption, if I wouldn't have shoved her onto the floor and pushed a lamp off the bedside table onto her huddled mass. Perchance, my wisdom teeth might have fashioned me a snout. Then, I could seek truffles on the French countryside, because that's obviously what a snout is for. Right? Well thanks a lot Dr. Lawrence, now I'll never get that snout I've always been dreaming of! Way to go!

Children! How delightful!

2005-08-26T21:40:00.000-07:00

Babysitting is a lot like being locked in a box with scorpions. If you scream, it's definately terrifying; if you smile and pretend it's fun, you still cannot fool the scorpions - they're just too smart. This summer's flesh eating monsters are full of surprises! They play "Japanese Wet-o" at the dinner table, trick me into thinking that cat poop is an alligator, and are really good at crying to get their way.

The eldest monster, in her bathing suit, is Tay-rex. She is especially great at enraging the smaller, paler monster, Laurysaurus, whose main defense is incoherent at best. Somehow, I'm always baffled by the way she can scream on the top of her lungs between placid licks of her popsicles. And the tiniest monster is by no means the gentlest. The Zachdadon reaches volumes of incredible magnitude and can always run his hot wheel into your ankle with stumbling force. Plus, he still goes to the bathroom in his pants. That's pretty frightening after he eats corn.

My summer in the Land of Horrifying Monsters is rapidly winding down. And that's dino-tastic!

Well, Of Course I'm Polish!

2005-08-24T13:28:00.000-07:00

What do old, toothless men, Ricky Martin, and John Amato have in common? Why, they all love sausage! But not just any sausage, obviously I'm talking about the Polish kind. Still confused? Fill in this rhyme. Ooo-sa-sa-sa! Ooo-sa-sa-sa! Hit him in the head with a big _______! Now we're talking.
Of course I brought Devin, Manion, and Spies with me to share my adventure. Who else would play Bingo with me in a church basement? Sable doesn't count. She's a dog and she obviously cannot place the tiddly-winks on her card with that kind of precision, and you know it! Plus, she sometimes likes to roll in dead fish.
So, what am I doing with cranky, rotton-toothed Ned? Why, we're polkaing! We can thank Manion for getting us into this. He lied and told the man it was his birthday so Stanley's meat market would sing "Stolat" to him. And then the guy wanted a kiss and to cop a little rump feelage. I can't blame him though, I'm just so windswept and sassy.

Purr Kitty, Purr

2005-08-16T23:23:00.000-07:00

Ever feel like you need to stop and get away before you run over your Aunt Ida with her motorized wheelchair - you know, the one that's always running out of batteries? Or do you fear that one day you'll open the refrigerator and find that you haven't been eating food at all, but pieces of old broken clocks? And what about that Pilates class you signed up for; will you ever be able to do the moves without passing gas? Are we inevitably going to backhand that girl next to us who steals our juicebox or can we maybe find another way to ease the strife?
Well here's the answer, we sit down in granddaddy's easy-chair and sing a little song called, "In Them Old Cotton Fields Back Home." We treat ourselves right, and we forget about our own cool lives to melt our brains into cyberjelly. Then we inhale that Chloroform and we purr like little baby kitties. Yeah, that's right, purr kitty, purr...